Grace is enough

What is control? Today started out as a good day. I was excited that it was my Sunday to take the kids to church. I only woke up a little sore. I went ahead and took my nerve blocker and then ate my oatmeal and took my Advil with it.

I was surprised when we got there to find out it was Baptism Sunday. Baptism Sunday is so cool. It's a strong reminder of God's grace & the salvation that we have from Him. Before each person is baptized they play a pre-recorded testimony of why they are making that commitment and statement of their faith through baptism.

As the service went on, I sent my wife Twitter's and text messages about the parts of it that kept touching my heart. (I really look forward to when we can stop doing Sundays in shifts & we can sit next to each other and nudge each other & comment on the cool parts again!)

All of this was going on, and the pain started building up. I really thought I had it under control. I shifted in my seat to ease the pressure off one side & let it move to the other. The service was simple, but riveting & I didn't want to get up and miss a moment of the passion for God, what was going on. The service ended with a call & prayer to salvation and prayer at the front for the newly baptized.

The service was over & Brad & I waited at the children's church door for Grace. I knew the nerve blockers were working, because instead of sharp shooting pain, I had this build-up of pressure pain. It was quivering my insides and my muscles felt like they were spasming, almost like I'd worked out too hard. Every breath was becoming deliberate as the pressure built up in my chest muscles. Feeling like I was losing my balance, I steadied myself on the post next to the door and waited for children's service to be over. I'm thanking God for His blessings and asking Him for strength.

I got to the car and waited for Grace while Brad talked to his friend Zak. The outside cold air had seemed to give me temporary relief, for maybe 10 steps from the door. I walked the rest of the way to the car, trying not to breathe too deeply, as each breath caused more pain.

Brad & Grace in the car, I put my focus on getting home. Shifting my position in the car seemed to do ok, stopping the car feels like it's jerking my body, putting a collapsing pressure on every bone and muscle from my sides-stomache region up front to back. When I turn a corner it feels like the same pressure from the side. All I can do while I'm driving is say Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord as I push through the pain to make sure I get home. My focus has to be on that end goal.

Getting home and pulling in the driveway and stepping out of the car, I want the pain to go away. It doesn't, it feels like it's crushing my lungs, I'm sweating and feel like all my muscles are spasming. Each breath is a deliberate push against the pain. Each step is a deliberate thought to get in the house, get my coat off, go to the bathroom. It's like I'm forcing my whole body to go through the motions. Every piece of me feels like bruised quivering painful meat. A few minutes to get to finally lie down on the couch feels like forever.

I lie down and close my eyes, forcing relaxation and breathing, the pressure is finally subsiding and I realize about half an hour has gone by. Heather is standing over me, wanting to take me to the emergency room. She's scared, but I tell her, no, it's mostly over, the worst part is done. Another half hour and I feel like a bruise. Most of the quivering is gone and I can breathe normally, mostly without pain.

My whole body feels like I just ran a marathon, or those times when I was a teenager and my muscles burned and I still would push myself to do 10 more pushups or run an extra quarter mile, even when my body screamed that it couldn't.

So, I think I'm in control. I sit till it hurts too much to sit, then I stand & walk around till it hurts too much to do that, then I lie down for a while, then I start over. When I feel myself going to far, I take breaks, thinking I'm in control. I take my medicine, I look in the mirror and feel normal. I just hurt. I want to will my body to cooperate, and it keeps not.

Trying to walk the pain off the other day, I paced into the kitchen and shut the microwave. As it was shutting I moved my hand, but it didn't go where it was supposed to, for a few seconds, it felt like a strange thing on the end of my arm and woosh a pitcher of koolaid went to the floor. I thank God for my 13 year old, Brad took control in that moment to clean up the mess I made.

I'm not sure what's happening, my doctor's not sure what's happening; But I thank God in every moment, for every moment. I thank Him for every day. I thank Him for my awesome children, family and wife.

I may not be able to control what is going on, but I know that God's strength & grace is all I need. I know that I can be a blessing and move forward, no matter how I "feel". 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "...he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Being a Christian isn't about everything being easy. It's not about not dealing with real life. Sometimes it's about being a weak bag of flesh, but knowing that God's grace and strength is enough to get you through! Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Whether things get tough or easy, we can't take the Word of God lightly. There is true power in it that is not diluted by circumstances, feelings or events. We can share that hope, that strength, that peace, even when we are tapped out, because the timelessness of God's grace and strength far surpasses ours.